I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
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