An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
