So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
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