Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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