I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
