im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize
