well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
