So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
If I die, sorry about rent.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Randomize
