The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
