What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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