the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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