His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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