You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Randomize
