umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
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