He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Randomize
