Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Randomize
