apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Randomize
