if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
me + whiskey = a bad person
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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