If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
im about as happy as oj after his trial
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
I'm like, not good at living.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
