how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Randomize
