I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
There's always time for handjobs
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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