I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize