Your mouth is God's brothel.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
