and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
