Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
you never un-have a 4some
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
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