We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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