The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
