Midget sex pt 2 tonight
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
So vagazzling was a success
I am mentally ready for anal.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
