you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
