just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
