i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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