I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
this will be a night to untag.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
