The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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