The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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