I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Randomize
