i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Randomize
