I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
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