Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
Randomize
