My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
