Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
It's official drugs can't kill me
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
