I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
