We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize
