I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
