shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
