whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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