Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
