shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
