Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
