I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
