Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
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