For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
First off, get on bc solely in preperation for this event. Second, as my little sister you have a lot of whore to live up to.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
