I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
