HIV tests are more positive than that guy
I wish my penis had an off switch
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Randomize
