I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
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