she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
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