You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
